< Declare This An Emergency >

I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is normal. I mean, I hardly knew him, but at the same time I knew him, ya know? I’ve gone to school with him since the first grade, I’ve lived down the street from him since I was in kindergarten. So I guess shock is what you would call it. Things like this don’t happen to people so young. I guess I’m freaking out because in a way, I feel like if something like this could happen to someone like him (we’ll call him “B”) than it could happen to someone like Tony. Because both their lifestyles are parallel to each other’s: broken home, marijuana addiction, younger siblings, controversial friendships, and excessive amount of girls… It’s freaky. Now I’m wondering if maybe I knew all along something like this would happen? Years ago, maybe about 5 or 6 I think, I had a dream (this was the night before my grandma on my dad’s side passed) that I was behind Sam Brannan (the middle school down the street from my mother’s) and I was crying about my grandma on my mom’s side (because she had just recently passed) and B was there all of the sudden and he hugged me and said, “I’m sorry about your grandma.” And I cried and nodded and said something like How did you know about my grandma Margo? and he shook his head and said, “No, not that one. The other one.” And I woke up crying. The next day, spooky as it sounds, my grandma Valeria passed away.

B is dying. There, I said it. I don’t know just how I feel about it or whether I choose to actually believe it or not but it’s what everyone is telling me. He has cancer all over his tongue, throat and lungs. It’s horrible. And I feel like shit because I can’t believe it. B may not be the most perfect person in the world but he could have been. It’s not his fault he made wrong choices in his lifetime. I don’t know what caused the spread of the disease that claimed my Grandma on my mother’s side but I don’t think the many years of smoking helped. Gosh I can remember so much about that boy because I had a crush on him all my life! I mean it wasn’t one of those “call just to hear his voice and hang up” type crushes or “pine after him from a distance” type crush. It was a “you’re sweet and cute” type crush that only arose within me whenever he was around. It didn’t help that two of the very close friends I had at one time both had been with him. Yea, that was an ouch if I ever felt one.

But enough of that, what am I going to do? My mother is pushing me to go visit him in the hospital but I’m fucking scared out of my mind to do it! I’m literally shittin’ some major bricks over here. I haven’t spoken to him in so long it’s almost as if we were never friends. But I hear of him all the time so maybe he heard of me sometimes from his brother who is my brother’s best friend? Fuck. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to go see him tomorrow. Maybe. If I work up enough courage to go without making a scene. I get very emotional in these types of situations. I can’t stop my heart from hurting so badly, I feel so much regret and sympathy. I feel like I may explode if I get within two feet of him. And I don’t want to be a dumbass.

Mom says to ask Crystal to come since she knew him way better than I did even though I knew him longer. I said I’ll call her but I don’t know if she’ll come. She’s like me in a way when it comes to that type of stuff. Plus she’s got her own shit to deal with ya know? I’m still going to call her later on today to see if she’ll go with me. Because I don’t think I can go by myself. Who am I kidding there is no way I can go by myself!

I’ll bitch about Bush later. Right now I got work to do.


…elena






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