< Declare This An Emergency >

I�m not sure if what I�m feeling is normal. I mean, I hardly knew him, but at the same time I knew him, ya know? I�ve gone to school with him since the first grade, I�ve lived down the street from him since I was in kindergarten. So I guess shock is what you would call it. Things like this don�t happen to people so young. I guess I�m freaking out because in a way, I feel like if something like this could happen to someone like him (we�ll call him �B�) than it could happen to someone like Tony. Because both their lifestyles are parallel to each other�s: broken home, marijuana addiction, younger siblings, controversial friendships, and excessive amount of girls� It�s freaky. Now I�m wondering if maybe I knew all along something like this would happen? Years ago, maybe about 5 or 6 I think, I had a dream (this was the night before my grandma on my dad�s side passed) that I was behind Sam Brannan (the middle school down the street from my mother�s) and I was crying about my grandma on my mom�s side (because she had just recently passed) and B was there all of the sudden and he hugged me and said, �I�m sorry about your grandma.� And I cried and nodded and said something like How did you know about my grandma Margo? and he shook his head and said, �No, not that one. The other one.� And I woke up crying. The next day, spooky as it sounds, my grandma Valeria passed away.

B is dying. There, I said it. I don�t know just how I feel about it or whether I choose to actually believe it or not but it�s what everyone is telling me. He has cancer all over his tongue, throat and lungs. It�s horrible. And I feel like shit because I can�t believe it. B may not be the most perfect person in the world but he could have been. It�s not his fault he made wrong choices in his lifetime. I don�t know what caused the spread of the disease that claimed my Grandma on my mother�s side but I don�t think the many years of smoking helped. Gosh I can remember so much about that boy because I had a crush on him all my life! I mean it wasn�t one of those �call just to hear his voice and hang up� type crushes or �pine after him from a distance� type crush. It was a �you�re sweet and cute� type crush that only arose within me whenever he was around. It didn�t help that two of the very close friends I had at one time both had been with him. Yea, that was an ouch if I ever felt one.

But enough of that, what am I going to do? My mother is pushing me to go visit him in the hospital but I�m fucking scared out of my mind to do it! I�m literally shittin� some major bricks over here. I haven�t spoken to him in so long it�s almost as if we were never friends. But I hear of him all the time so maybe he heard of me sometimes from his brother who is my brother�s best friend? Fuck. I don�t know what to do. I�m going to go see him tomorrow. Maybe. If I work up enough courage to go without making a scene. I get very emotional in these types of situations. I can�t stop my heart from hurting so badly, I feel so much regret and sympathy. I feel like I may explode if I get within two feet of him. And I don�t want to be a dumbass.

Mom says to ask Crystal to come since she knew him way better than I did even though I knew him longer. I said I�ll call her but I don�t know if she�ll come. She�s like me in a way when it comes to that type of stuff. Plus she�s got her own shit to deal with ya know? I�m still going to call her later on today to see if she�ll go with me. Because I don�t think I can go by myself. Who am I kidding there is no way I can go by myself!

I�ll bitch about Bush later. Right now I got work to do.


�elena






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